January 2, 1999
The New Beanstalk!!
(For the uninitiated, what follows is just me rambling on interminably. If you have no idea what this is all about, click What? For the latest column, click Today above. For past columns, click Elsewhen above. For subscription information, click Here, or read on.)
New and improved! Or, at least, slightly different and arguably preferable. I took about six months off while my team of engineers completely overhauled the Beanstalk format and programming. Don't really notice the changes? Well, that's because they're mostly in the subliminal messages hidden behind the leaves. You may begin to detect an increasing number of inexplicable debits on your bank account in the next few weeks; don't pay any attention.
Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean . . .
is that I'm changing my approach to this column. On the one hand, I like the freedom to write whatever I want, whether lengthy soliloquies or travel jouirnals or political commentary, or just a couple of jokes I heard. But for you, my devoted legion of reader, I fear that the sporadicity (sporadickness?) of my previous postings has created a sense of uncertainty. (Should I check The Beanstalk today? Will there be a new column? What if there isn't, and it's the same dumb headline as for the past 10 days, can I handle the disappointment? But then what if I resist the temptation, and I miss a column? And what if it's finally a good one?)
So, after six months of soul searching and consultations with various gurus, yogi, shamen, and aromatherapists, I have reached a profound decision: to embrace Regularity. (Insert diarrhea joke here.) Specifically, I will henceforth commit myself to publish The Beanstalk every week, without fail, regardless of where I am or what I'm doing. Publication will take place on Sunday night/Monday morning, sometime in the wee hours. (Insert urination joke here.) This way, you can look forward to a refreshing, witty bundle of new insights on your PC screen every Monday, after sloshing through the mud and snow and cross-checking opposing subway commuters on your way to that pathetic dungeon/torture chamber you coweringly call a "job". You see? I do care.
This doesn't mean that I'm going to restrict myself to writing only what pops into my head on Sunday nights, which usually consists of chocolate chip cookies and Tylenol, anyway. On the contrary, I intend to continue composing the column in "real time", whenever a spark hits me, assuming I can get pen to paper or fingers to keys before either (1) I forget what I was going to say, or (2) um, . . . well, I forgot the second one. So a weekly Beanstalk column could consist of a single, coherent string of ideas and observations, or a collection of one-liners and flashes of brilliance that emerged at various times over the past week, or some combination thereof. Or something else. I'm tempted to throw in a "Week That Was" feature, to institutionalize the snipets of tidbits, but we'll see. This is an evolutionary process; kind of like slugs crawling up onto land.
Where do you fit in?
Well, you're supposed to read the stuff, of course. But as always, I'm receptive to my audience. So, if there's anything you like or don't like about the way this thing unfolds over the next few months, please let me know. Do you really like knowing there'll be something there to check out every Monday, between updating your investment portfolio and retrieving the latest porno images? Do you wish I'd provide more commentary on current events and less intimate description of my personal hygiene habits? Just speak up! To paraphrase the late Graham Chapman, the only thing worse than being criticized, is not being criticized.
Which leads us to another ground-breaking innovation:
Subscribe now! Don't miss one column of The Beanstalk!
Calm down, calm down. I am not now, nor will I ever be, looney enough to attempt to charge money, in any manner, for access to this labor of love. In fact, I will not even accept unsolicited 5-figure donations: I will return them immediately, even if they are mailed in packages of unmarked large denomination bills. Go ahead, try me.
I am, however, eager to improve the convenience of this column for those of you who may be slightly, shall we say, web-challenged. Here's what I'll do: If you want, I'll e-mail you the entire column every Monday morning. That way it will just show up along with your other e-mail messages announcing that you may be the winner of a lifetime supply of marshmallows, or asking for donations to the 8-Track Tape Restoration Fund. Think of all the mouse clicks you'll avoid by not having to navigate to The Beanstalk on the web! That carpel tunnel syndrome will have to wait just a little bit longer to cripple you. Alternatively, if you don't want to get the whole column in your mailbox (for example, if you're using an ancient e-mail program that doesn't display HTML files), I'll send you just the Headline and Highlights of the week's column, along with a URL link, and you can choose to click or not to click.
How do I avail myself of these wonderous opportunities, you ask? It couldn't be easier. Highlight one of the paragraphs below, and <Copy> it to your clipboard. Then click the link to my e-mail address, bringing up your mail program (assuming you're not a computer troglodite). Simply <Paste> the chosen paragraph into the message window, add any other personalized verbiage you want, and click <Send>. What could be easier? Well, besides spontaneous bodily emissions?
Option 1: E-mail subscription:
Hey, Dave, I can't wait to get your Beanstalk column every Monday. Please send it directly to my e-mail box (the return address of this e-mail). Keep up the good work, stud!
Option 2: E-mail highlights:
Dave, I truly get off reading your Beanstalks, but my e-mail tends to get cluttered with a lot of junk (mostly from my boss). So could you help me conserve some bandwidth, and just send me the highlights of each week's column? I'll click over to your place when nobody's looking.
Option 3: No e-mail, please:
You know, DT, I prefer to keep my reading habits somewhat, uh, confidential, if you know what I mean. So I'll check out The Beanstalk on my own every Monday, and we just won't mention it in any more little e-mails, okay?
Option 4: Leave me alone, you jerk:
Leave me alone, you jerk.
Have you made your choice? Good, now click below and complete the exercise:There you go, you're as good as subscribed. Maybe better. Now, if by chance you ever change your mind about your preference, simply come back here and go through all this again. Or just send me a regular old e-mail message. Or a fax. Or voice mail. Or a live telephone call. Or mail me a letter. Or a telegram. Or come by my house. Or try skywriting above it. Or rent a billboard on Route 1A. Or . . .
DT
1/2/99