The Beanstalk


by David N. Townsend


December 30, 1997
6:03 PM


This is the "pre-launch" column. The launch is tomorrow night, New Year's eve. This is for everyone who's just too darn impatient to wait for the official opening of the new Beanstalk.

You know, like all you people who insisted on opening at least one Christmas present on Christmas Eve, or even December 23, for all I know. Who eat the middle of the oreo cookie first. Who try to cop a kiss in the car before you even get home from the date...

Actually, this is only here so that I have something to post, to get the technical testing and de-bugging underway, and just in case one of the 3 people I gave this URL to happens to be so bored that he surfs here on New Year's Eve, and would be borderline suicidal if there wasn't some smidgeon of satisfaction to be downloaded. Face it, New Year's Eve and the Internet are about the most pathetic juxtaposition possible in the late 1990s. What do you do, hit the !exclamation point!! a few dozen times at midnight?

And yet, don't you know that there will be hundreds upon hundreds of NetNerds "interacting" at midnight tomorrow? If you happen to be one of them, do us all a favor: stick your tongue in the electric socket now!

(Now that was smart. Of course anyone that hopelessly "wired" -- gee, there's a new meaning to that term -- would probably also be technically adept enough to send jolts of hard-disk erasing negatrons back through the telephone wires to my PC. ...Um, I didn't mean it, Herbert! You can have a cookie if you want!)

Did you see that the Unabomber is abandoning the insanity defense? Can the jury declare him loopie anyway? "We the jury, find the defendant guilty as charged, but we still think he's a complete whacko, and recommend execution by forcing him to pick his nose until he bleeds to death..."

And so on. None of this counts, okay? It's the pre-launch, so it doesn't mean anything. Until tomorrow. Then all your questions will be answered, and you will be granted new questions to ask.

1997 David N. Townsend

The Beanstalk grows out of my head, so to speak, but I welcome
any seeds that readers may wish to plant.  Just as long as you don't use
too much fertilizer.  Send me your comments, ideas, drool, at
and I'll occasionally respond to, publish, or otherwise dispose of them.

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