The Beanstalk, by David N. Townsend, 2/1/00

Democratic Prime Rib

This now is our third installment in American Politics 2000, a required course in the degree program, How to Survive Democracy.

(Note: portions of this column were made possible by a generous contribution of one-liners from Mr. FDC of Boston.)

Today, the Democrats. But first, a moment's pause to honor the nameless wonders who just produced a fairly entertaining Super Bowl after all. I was all prepared to say that this Super Bowl fully resembled the Presidential election, i.e., a totally boring matchup that nobody cares about. And then they had to go and put on a pretty darn good show. Too bad for the fans of Tennessee, they really thought they had a chance to win something. The state hasn't had a national champion of any kind since the Tennessee Sloppers won the National Hog Tossing Bowl in 1936.

But I didn't come here to make fun of Tennessee. I came here to make fun of a former Senator from Tennessee, who's currently residing in a tool shed in New Hampshire. All the jokes have already been written (see 2 weeks ago) about the full-scale assault on the northern wilderness by pathetic, beseeching candidates once every four years. It's understandable, I suppose, given the vital political importance that can result from winning the Primary. Look what it did for the careers of such notable past New Hampshire winners as Estes Kefauver (1952, 56), Henry Cabot Lodge (1964), Edmund Muskie (1972), Gary Hart (1984), Paul Tsongas (1992), and Pat Buchanan (1996). Yep, New Hampshire is a sure-fire ticket to a footnote in the history books.

So what are the burning issues that Democratic voters are grappling with as they scrutinize every detail of the candidates' speeches, voting records, position papers, and restroom stall graffiti? This pivotal election year, they boil down to:

Health care. This issue is so typical of Democrats. What's the problem needing to be solved? That there are too many poor people, especially children, who don't have health insurance. So the Democratic candidates fall all over each other, arguing about who's got the best plan, the most affordable plan, the plan with the cutest nickname... There is only one little problem: poor sick people and children DON'T VOTE! And the rest of the country basically couldn't care less. It's like during the last recession, when Democrats like Mike Dukakis used to stand on a platform of "good jobs with good wages". Sounds nice, except even if unemployment reached an intolerable 8% or 9%, guess what? That's still 92% of the voters who really don't care about the issue!

Education. Education, on the other hand, is important to everyone, sooner or later. And there's a broad consensus that the education system in this country is in bad shape. After all, look at the clowns we keep voting into public office: we must be a nation of illiterate imbeciles. It's actually rather amazing how, on this topic, politicians can regularly insult their audience's children, and be cheered for it:

"We are raising a nation of under-educated, poorly trained kids! So many of our children leave school without knowing how to read and write!" (Applause)

"It's a scandal when a teenager with a high school diploma can't even fill out a job application to work at McDonald's" (More applause)

"I mean, let's face it, your kids are freaking stupid!" (Raucous cheering)

All the public wants is continued free education, cheap student loans, more teachers, more high tech classrooms, new school buildings, more funding for special needs and early learning and after school programs, and lower taxes. Now why can't any of those idiot politicians figure out how to do this?

Race relations. This is a challenging issue, which only the Democrats have the guts to address. The Republicans' platform position on race relations has been somewhat reformed in recent years, but it still only reads, "Oh all right, they can stay here." Democratic candidates, on the other hand, boldly confront the need to work toward harmony and equal opportunity among all races. Remember Al Gore dancing to The Macarena? That's sensitivity. And Bill Bradley, of course, used to play right along side Willis Reed, so he has not only mastered the high-five, but is the only candidate who can honestly claim, "Hey, I have showered with a black man." As for policy programs to help the alleviate poverty and crime and drugs and discrimination afflicting minority communities, the candidates have detailed and ambitious position papers, which they assure us will work because they were written by prestigious white male professors at Ivy League Universities who have constructed complex simulation models of the impact of a 1% Enterprise Zone payroll tax credit on the growth of minimum wage jobs in the inner city. Dr. King would be so proud.

So how does the Democratic field shape up, the would-be successors to the Greatest President of the 2000s (so far)? One thing is for sure, they'll never come close to providing the entertainment value of Bill Clinton. The stand-up comic industry is headed for a major crash.

Al Gore. If the contest comes down to Gore vs. G.W. Bush, it will be remembered in the history books as the Great Coin Toss. These guys are so similar, they were probably separated in the test tube. Or the robot factory. Gore, like Bush, is the privileged son of a prominent politician father, who has never had to try to live in the real world. He is stiff as a board and wouldn't know a conviction if it spit in his face, also identical to Gov. Bush. At one time, Gore had the image of a deep thinking, pro-environment, reformist technocrat. Then he became Vice President and spent 8 years apologizing for his boss's bouts of indecent exposure. During this campaign, Gore has been so thoroughly mismanaged and manipulated by handlers and pollsters and publicists, he probably has to ask permission from 4 different people before he can go to the bathroom, and they have to hold a 2-hour strategy session before they give him the go-ahead. And then (as FDC points out), he still needs a Wipe Advisor.

Bill Bradley. Bradley's qualifications to be President include his jump shot, his ability to defend on the fast break, and his passing skill. These advantages will be especially useful when dealing with foreign adversaries such as Saddam Hussein, who is known to have a weak half-court game. At 6-foot-5, Bradley will also be able to give serious noogies to any Chinese or North Korean premier who tries to double-talk his way out of an arms control agreement. He is supposed to be a very intelligent, thoughtful man, who weighs every option before coming to a decision. If that's true, then why did he voluntarily spend all those years living in New Jersey? Bradley believes in some very important principles, such as health care for all, education for all, and race relations for all. He also believes in campaign finance reform, according to his position papers, "at least until I run out of money." This is similar to his philosophy against negative campaigning, "unless it looks like I might lose." As for Bradley's other qualifications . . . did I mention that he's tall?

The Gore Bradley campaign has now deteriorated into what my political advisor characterizes as a "Larry-Curly slapping match in need of a Moe". I suggest that somebody like Ted Kennedy or Jesse Jackson should make a late entry into the race. (Unfortunately, my favorite Mo of all, Maurice Udall, is no longer with us. But for one Jimmy Carter, there might have been a President to be proud of.)

Next: In case you thought we were all done, we still have the Retard, I mean Reform Party, to address. So stay tuned.

Recent ramblings: Today

M2+3 (1/3/00)	Primary and Caucus (1/16/00)	Republican Cock Fights (1/23/00)
How did you celebrate the arrival of the New Millennium, or whatever it was?	I have some encouraging news to report: Guess what? They've decided to schedule a Presidential Election this year!	As promised, today we present a comprehensive guide to the Republican Presidential candidates.

	The Beanstalk
What?	by David N. Townsend	Elsewhen

The Beanstalk

by David N. Townsend

February 1, 2000

Democratic Prime Rib