February 20, 2000
Reform This
As Campaign 2000 lurches toward new lows of incivility, silliness, and tedium, we bring you the final hope of the American voter: No, not cyanide, I'm talking about the Reform Party.
A week ago, the party founded by Ross Perot (and that still bears his initials -- am I the only one to notice that?) underwent a tumultuous National Convention, in which two factions vying for control of the party apparatus (the Ventura and Perot factions) confronted each other over the Party's direction and . . .
I'm sorry, but that's as far as I can go pretending to say something even partly serious about this collection of bozos. It is really beyond hilarious to read or hear journalistic reports of the Reform Party's infighting, candidates, election prospects, and the like which actually attempt to sound like real news. You know the reporters are stifling laughter even as they're reading the reports, and they're cracking endless jokes about the Party members and its leaders off the air.
I mean, take the spectacle of Minnesota Governor Jesse (The Mind, formerly The Body) Ventura quitting the Reform Party because it's too "dysfunctional", an organization he can no longer take seriously. Yeah, but when they elected an ex-professional wrestler Governor they were more legitimate!
There only two political parties in America that are arguably as disorganized, lacking in purpose, packed with buffoons for candidates, and egotistically full of themselves as the self-inflated yahoos of the Reform Party: the Republicans and Democrats. Nobody takes them seriously, so how can the Reforms expect anything better? All kidding aside (momentarily), I love the Reform Party for bucking the system and injecting a certain Reality Check into the American political process. Indeed, it is a process captivated by wealthy egomaniacs, Hollywood celebrities, and dangerously sociopathic ideologues across the spectrum. The Reform Party mearly exposes these truths with less sugar-coating than the other two, and then actually goes out and earns a lot of votes in the process! I'll tell you one thing, we need a lot more Jesse Ventura's and a lot less Jesse Helms's in this country.
So, with Gov. Ventura packing his bags, and The Donald choosing not to piss away $20-million for no purpose, who are the remaining delusional "candidates" for the Reform Party's nomination for President? How do they stack against the "legitimate" candidates of the major parties?
Oh, who the heck cares? With the bad taste of the South Carolina primary still in our mouths (now there's a state I should have made fun of), and the nearly inevitable realization that we will have to endure both George W. Bush and Al Gore for the next 9 insufferable months, I can't get worked up enough to goof on the whacko Ross Perot's and Pat Buchanan's any more. Politics is occasionally funny, rarely inspiring, and so endlessly offensive, it's not a good idea to talk or think about the subject more than a few hours a year. I've vastly exceeded my quota this February of 2000.
(That reminds me, what does the pattern 2-20-2000 lead to? My forty-first birthday, that's what! Thanks for all the cards.)
So from here on in, until I change my mind, we'll avoid this nauseating topic, and return to more illuminating commentary, such as who's going to win this year's Oscars (my money's on Ishtar), or how soon the stock market's going to crash (too late), or whether the phrase "dot com" has surpassed "incredible" and "a savings of..." as the most irritating verbal utterance of the new century. Or something else. Don't go away angry. In fact, don't go away at all.
DT
Recent ramblings: Today
Primary and Caucus (1/16/00) Republican Cock Fights (1/23/00) Democratic Prime Rib (2/1/00) I have some encouraging news to report: Guess what? They've decided to schedule a Presidential Election this year! As promised, today we present a comprehensive guide to the Republican Presidential candidates. This now is our third installment in American Politics 2000, a required course in the degree program, How to Survive Democracy.
(Click Elsewhen for the complete list)
© 2000 David N. Townsend
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